So, two thirds into our trip, i figure i should probably write something down or i never will. We started off in Hanoi, which is mad, my first impressions, getting the taxi in from the airport in rush hour, was one of excitement at how completely alien everything was to me, and then absolute bafflement at the sheer amount of traffic. (I now understand why asian people wearing face masks is a thing) Our taxi driver swerving through three lanes of traffic on a motorway to call an English speaker to try renegotiate a price with us seemed pretty ridiculous at the time. This however seemed tame compared to some of the other maneuvers we saw over the next few minutes as we drove through Hanoi's old quarter during rush hour to get to our hostel.
They drive on the right hand side over here, although you could be forgiven for one, not noticing, and two just ignoring that and driving on whichever side you like. Its very much a whatever you're having yourself sorta system, ie, just do whatever the fuck you like and try not to crash. The whole family band and the cousins on a honda 50, lads who decide that the best place to sell some of their hundred strong bunch of balloons is right in the middle of a giant free flowing junction, with no apparent lights or system, or scooters just casually maneuvering across the road, onto the pavement and up two substantial steps into a shop, are all fairly standard on Vietnamese roads. As mad as it sounds, and maybe this is an opinion I’d revise after reading some stats, but, it works. Everyone beeps all the time, but not angry beeps, more so, I’m over, don't crash into me yeh sound sorta beeps, a gentle reminder if you like. One thing however I noticed fairly early on which I definitely don't think works, is the fact that most of the kids don't wear helmets, while most of the adults do. It's not at all uncommon to see two adults on a scooter wearing helmets, while the kids, either sandwiched in between them, standing up on the platform for your feet, or sitting on the back, usually didn't have a helmet.
Now while I definitely think we’ve become way too averse to risk in western society, it seems a bit ridiculous that adults generally have helmets and kids generally don't, I’d almost prefer it if nobody had a helmet, at least it would be a level playing field, skull cracking equality or summin. Hanoi was certainly culture shock, which is a good thing, I’d be a bit disappointed if i flew to the other side of the world and it was the same and Dublin. One thing that became quickly apparent, is the fact that loads of the guys here seem gay, they can't all be gay, surely, but loads of them seem quite camp, which has completely thrown any gayday we had. It has however given rise to some fun games of gay or Vietnamese though, it's harder than you’d think. Getting used to just the density and pace of it all definitely took a while, but once you're adjusted, its an amazing city with plenty street food and windy streets around the old Quarter to keep you occupied. Our first face palm moment came on the first night when we made it back to our hostel fairly pissed. We noticed what appeared to be a tray with treats, bananas, snickers, cans of coke, and a bottle of wine. Now, bear in mind that the lights were off at reception since it was late, we were quite drunk, and Emilyrose had read on trip advisor that they had snacks in the lobby good for the taking. We figured these were the said snacks, and that the wine must have been left there by someone as they were probably flying out of hanoi so couldn't take it, or it was too heavy to take with them or some other wishful scenario. Stocked up on snacks and drink, we headed up to the rooftop to watch the sunrise and wait for the free rollover breakfast at 6. After getting the free breakfast pissed and sweaty, we went to bed. The next day when we went to leave the hostel, we saw the supposed snack tray and in the cold (air conditioned lobby, vietnam is like fucking sauna) light of day, and realised that it was actually some sort of a shrine, and the snacks were actually offerings. So yeh, we unknowingly absolutely fleeced the shrine and got pissed on what we later found out where people's offerings to their ancestors. Shrine wine, it has a ring to it i know, and yeah, we know we’re awful people. Sorry.
The street food in Hanoi was great, and after a while we realised that by and large, the cheaper, more run down and almost grimey a place looked usually the better the food. Pho, spring rolls and bun cha quickly became staples, with the rule of grime being particularly true for these bog standard but class Vietnamese dishes. Try an egg coffee, best coffee you’ll ever have, apparently. I couldn't get one, being lactose intolerant and all, the milk in it would make me shit myself even more than general vietnam does for the first while. Maybe for ever actually, still waiting three weeks in... all I’ll say is you’ll never appreciate a solid shit more than in Vietnam. Sorry not sorry. While i'm on the topic of shit actually, one of us, no names, had an urgent, need if you will, while swimming, and with no toilets in the area, fed the fishes. Sorry, actually sorry this time. Anyway, moving swiftly ahead from a favorite topic of conversation on the trip. After the sweaty mania of hanoi, we got a private limo to Sapa. Yeh sounds good I know, I thought so too. In reality, our ‘ private limo for only an extra fiver lads?’ was a mini bus with slightly above average seats, a small tv playing the victoria secrets fashion show dubbed over with really awful dance ( i don't even know what genre you’d call it) blaring and a Vietnamese family to keep us company. Once we arrived in sapa, not at all champagne drunk like i had imagined, we were greeted by a host of hmong women, ranging in age from about 10 to 70 trying to sell us bags, bracelets, rings and that sorta shite. At the time, Emilyrose didn't think much of pinky promising them that we’d buy one off them later, but how naive we were. After settling in and getting some awful food in the place recommended to us by our annoying hostel manager, fuckin BB, we had a look around sapa town. Of course we met our hmong friends fairly swiftly, and of course, even after Emilyrose buying something, they would not fuck off. So much so that they followed us for about a half hour, telling us that they would follow us forever, marry us, and cut off our fingers if we bought from anyone else, solid sales tactics there ladies. That pretty much summed up the vibe of sapa town, really cute hmong women aggressively trying to sell you things you don't want and loads of shops selling fake north face gear. The area around sapa is amazing, but don't bother with the town. The next day we rented scooters and spent the day scooting around the mountains and swimming in the love waterfall, which is well worth a visit.
That night after dinner the hill station restaurant, which is also definitely worth a visit, or two like us, (‘this place is so fucking artisan and i love it- E O’donovan 2016) there was a huge thunderstorm. For the first few hours it was just thunder and lightening, so me and calvin took the scooters back up the mountains to try take some flix of the lightning, which was super surreal, especially the drive back down, trying to concentrate on the road while the sky was like a strobe light was interesting to say the least. The next day was our first real glimpse into rural life in Vietnam. While we had seen poverty in hanoi, it was somehow masked by things like everywhere having wifi, people having iphones and wearing designer brands, fake or otherwise. In the Villages around sapa we visited though, The fact that the average yearly wage is around €1600 is clear to see. It makes you feel incredibly privileged, to not only be lucky enough to live very comfortable lives in Ireland, but then have enough money to travel to these parts of the world and see first hand how vastly unequal the world is. There’s an extra strange cocktail of emotions going to these places as a photographer. Of course you want to document what you see, but in a respectful and unintrusive way. It's a fine line between being a privileged white guy going over to a developing country and taking pretty pictures of my holiday of things that are so alien to me like abject poverty on the one hand. And on the other, documenting the poverty you see because it is a worthwhile and interesting picture, and it does make you actually think about how the vast majority of the world population lives. Personally I think people should take photos of everything, I believe that photography can make the world less scary place, we should all take photos of everything, it brings us together when we realise how differently people across the world live while still being all so inherently the same on a human level. I think these conflicting emotions are strongest when it comes to kids, especially for me, the kids in the cat cat village. Some of the kids in the cat cat village certainly seemed a bit fed up of westerners walking around their village taking photos of how they live, for which i was sorry, while others didn't seem phased, especially when i hopped in their wheelbarrow to try join in their game. Sadly, being three times the size of them, they couldn't lift me, so I got them to hop in and I whizzed them around in it for a minute. As tiny an interaction as this was, I feel I made my peace with the kids, lots of high fiving and smiles all round. This interaction however brought on a whole new set of feels. Seeing the kids having a laugh, literally doing the same thing i did as a kid, wheelbarrowing your mates around, happy as larry, really made me question what we need to be happy, these kids seemed happy, the didn't have xboxes sure, but did that make their life any less happy or fulfilling than a western kids? If anything it was westerners coming over on mass to gawk that seemed like their most apparent annoyance. The assumption that our way of life is somehow better, and that these poor village kids would be better off in a society where having a huge mortgage to pay for a new car and a house that's too big for you is somehow not only the norm but the expectation, is not a healthy one. It's hard not to want to help though, even if these feelings might actually stink of America bringing their own brand of neoliberalism masked as democracy to a country near you sorta vibe. Lots of feels that day, lots of chickens, feels, and really friendly people. The other village we visited was Ta Phin, which was as far as we could tell, a mixture of the two main ethnic communities in the area, the Dao people and the hmong people. We were showed around a cave by a nice hmong girl for a few quid, except we all got a bit claustrophobic after a few minutes of squeezing through tiny gaps with only a small torch. It was a far cry from a developed cave like some of the ones we visited later on in the trip, it actually felt like caving or what i imagine it would feel like perhaps a watered down version. I’m glad however we didn’t go into the cave without a guide as we were going to at one stage, that really wouldn't have ended well, especially since our guide told us you could walk for three days and nights in this cave. Ideal for novice cavers like ourselves, just fucking ideal. After the cave we met a super nice girl who brought us to her aunt’s house for local herbal baths, which are basically baths in a sort of tea that they make in huge vats boiled over a fire. The local women collect the various leaves from around the area, each which are good for different parts of the body. Now, while none of us had anything that needed fixing, bar a few upset tummies, our skin did feel pretty good afterward. Donal also peed in his one, i thought you should know. Afterwards when we were talking with our friend who we can't remember the name of, she told us that the women around sapa would often come to the baths to give birth, which is isn't all that unusual, however she also told us that they’d be back out working in the fields after five to ten days, which is pretty amazing. While Sapa town was admittedly a bit shite, once out of the town, the villages are beautiful, engaging on many levels and the people are lovely. Although the mountains and the postcard rice paddies are amazing, and certainly worth seeing, for me it was seeing a way of life so far removed from what i’m used to that was special, and will stay with me.
After sapa, we got our first sleeper bus to Hai Phong, were we’d get a ferry to our favorite place so far, not really. Fucking cat ba. The sleeper bus was fine for the actual journey, but when we arrived in Hai Phong, the driver just turned off the lights, and everyone just went back to sleep for two hours. The only way we knew we were in the right place was maps.me, an offline maps app which is great by the way. After a few hours of sleeping and waking in hope the bus wasn't gonna just turn around and head back to sapa while we were asleep, we decided to let ourselves off the bus since it was getting bright. Apparently this is a thing, we had no idea, and it was very strange not knowing. It makes sense once you know what's going on, nothing is open at 5am, so everyone has a kip and then gets off the bus at a more reasonable hour, now we know, now you know, spread the word. After faffin around trying to find the cheapest ferry to Cat Ba, we eventually made it to Cat Ba. We found the cheapest, but it took forever since we had to get two buses to and from weird ferry ports, just spend the extra few quid. Cat ba was a bit shit, I’d love to leave it at that, but I feel I should elaborate. Firstly it smelt like shit, like really bad. Anyone who has ever cooked asian food will probably be familiar with the madness that is fish sauce, smells really bad, but makes things taste really good, well Cat Ba is famous for its fish sauce, which means lots of the shops sell it from gigantic barrels, meaning Cat Ba town smells awful. Now when you think island, you think clear blue water and pretty beaches, well that's what we expected, and the pictures online made it out to be. The water was full of rubbish and most of the beaches were super crowded.I don't want to dwell on the shit things about cat ba because I don't enjoy writing negative things, but let's just say, maybe spend one or two nights there's, not 6 like we did, which was stupid but hey. On the plus side, I went deep water soloing while there, which was one of my favorite things yet. Basically deep water soloing is when you climb from a boat up sea cliffs above deep water without a rope, and when you either can't climb anymore, or get too high, you jump or fall in. For anyone who climbs, I can't recommend it enough, it's like bouldering and cliff diving had a sexy baby in Lan Ha bay, which is just as pretty as Halong bay but way less touristy. I did it with Asia outdoors, and it was 28 euro for the afternoon, which is a bit pricy but well worth it. If you do go to Cat Ba, definitely get scooters for like 2.50 for the day and scoot around the island, that was fun, i can't knock Cat Ba on the scooting. The scooting doesn't smell like shit, and you get to realise the term, drive it like a rental, since half the island is only accessible by a road that's still under construction, and is just stones and dirt, which is pretty fun. Also, there's so many frogs, bats, and giant snails if you go along the bog road (defo not called that) at dusk, like you literally have to dodge the frogs crossing the road, its gas.
I should point out that for all our giving out about Cat Ba, it really wasn't all that bad, it wasn't the best, but we did have a laugh there, even if half of it revolved around giving out about the garbage water and bad smell. One funny incident came when me and Donal were walking home after a few drinks, being the night before Donals birthday, we decided to enquire about getting massages. The first place we went to was pretty expensive, so we kept looking, and as donal sometimes does when he’s drunk, he shouted massage at a random guy driving past on a scooter. The guy immediately slowed down and kept saying ‘massage boom boom?’ Boom boom sounds suspect yes, and yes we really should have copped it then, but being the naive little gays we are, we persisted in asking him, whats boom boom? Within 30 seconds, he was on the phone and two more guys had pulled up, shadily muttering ‘massage boom boom?’ And shaking wads of cash. At this stage, we had a fairly good idea of what boom boom meant, and quickly walked up to our hostel, the problem was that the massage boom boom place was on the way to our hostel, and when we walked past it, the guys were outside. In fairness, the place looked pretty legit, and we thought maybe we were jumping the gun and it was all a miscommunication. We went in to enquire about prices, it was only a tenner for an hour, still unsure, we said we’d have a think about it since they were open till 2, which probably should have given it away but sure look. When we went outside, our new friends were there, and one of them, in a really creepy and slowed down voice said ‘massage boom booooom!’ giving an accompanying hand gesture that left no doubt in our mind as to what boom boom meant. I guess nobody, not even our friends the Cat Ba pimps, has a gaydar in Vietnam. Our last night in Cat ba was Donals 21st birthday, and we had booked a night in a resort on a tiny island just off Cat ba, which was pretty class.
Now while I definitely think we’ve become way too averse to risk in western society, it seems a bit ridiculous that adults generally have helmets and kids generally don't, I’d almost prefer it if nobody had a helmet, at least it would be a level playing field, skull cracking equality or summin. Hanoi was certainly culture shock, which is a good thing, I’d be a bit disappointed if i flew to the other side of the world and it was the same and Dublin. One thing that became quickly apparent, is the fact that loads of the guys here seem gay, they can't all be gay, surely, but loads of them seem quite camp, which has completely thrown any gayday we had. It has however given rise to some fun games of gay or Vietnamese though, it's harder than you’d think. Getting used to just the density and pace of it all definitely took a while, but once you're adjusted, its an amazing city with plenty street food and windy streets around the old Quarter to keep you occupied. Our first face palm moment came on the first night when we made it back to our hostel fairly pissed. We noticed what appeared to be a tray with treats, bananas, snickers, cans of coke, and a bottle of wine. Now, bear in mind that the lights were off at reception since it was late, we were quite drunk, and Emilyrose had read on trip advisor that they had snacks in the lobby good for the taking. We figured these were the said snacks, and that the wine must have been left there by someone as they were probably flying out of hanoi so couldn't take it, or it was too heavy to take with them or some other wishful scenario. Stocked up on snacks and drink, we headed up to the rooftop to watch the sunrise and wait for the free rollover breakfast at 6. After getting the free breakfast pissed and sweaty, we went to bed. The next day when we went to leave the hostel, we saw the supposed snack tray and in the cold (air conditioned lobby, vietnam is like fucking sauna) light of day, and realised that it was actually some sort of a shrine, and the snacks were actually offerings. So yeh, we unknowingly absolutely fleeced the shrine and got pissed on what we later found out where people's offerings to their ancestors. Shrine wine, it has a ring to it i know, and yeah, we know we’re awful people. Sorry.
The street food in Hanoi was great, and after a while we realised that by and large, the cheaper, more run down and almost grimey a place looked usually the better the food. Pho, spring rolls and bun cha quickly became staples, with the rule of grime being particularly true for these bog standard but class Vietnamese dishes. Try an egg coffee, best coffee you’ll ever have, apparently. I couldn't get one, being lactose intolerant and all, the milk in it would make me shit myself even more than general vietnam does for the first while. Maybe for ever actually, still waiting three weeks in... all I’ll say is you’ll never appreciate a solid shit more than in Vietnam. Sorry not sorry. While i'm on the topic of shit actually, one of us, no names, had an urgent, need if you will, while swimming, and with no toilets in the area, fed the fishes. Sorry, actually sorry this time. Anyway, moving swiftly ahead from a favorite topic of conversation on the trip. After the sweaty mania of hanoi, we got a private limo to Sapa. Yeh sounds good I know, I thought so too. In reality, our ‘ private limo for only an extra fiver lads?’ was a mini bus with slightly above average seats, a small tv playing the victoria secrets fashion show dubbed over with really awful dance ( i don't even know what genre you’d call it) blaring and a Vietnamese family to keep us company. Once we arrived in sapa, not at all champagne drunk like i had imagined, we were greeted by a host of hmong women, ranging in age from about 10 to 70 trying to sell us bags, bracelets, rings and that sorta shite. At the time, Emilyrose didn't think much of pinky promising them that we’d buy one off them later, but how naive we were. After settling in and getting some awful food in the place recommended to us by our annoying hostel manager, fuckin BB, we had a look around sapa town. Of course we met our hmong friends fairly swiftly, and of course, even after Emilyrose buying something, they would not fuck off. So much so that they followed us for about a half hour, telling us that they would follow us forever, marry us, and cut off our fingers if we bought from anyone else, solid sales tactics there ladies. That pretty much summed up the vibe of sapa town, really cute hmong women aggressively trying to sell you things you don't want and loads of shops selling fake north face gear. The area around sapa is amazing, but don't bother with the town. The next day we rented scooters and spent the day scooting around the mountains and swimming in the love waterfall, which is well worth a visit.
That night after dinner the hill station restaurant, which is also definitely worth a visit, or two like us, (‘this place is so fucking artisan and i love it- E O’donovan 2016) there was a huge thunderstorm. For the first few hours it was just thunder and lightening, so me and calvin took the scooters back up the mountains to try take some flix of the lightning, which was super surreal, especially the drive back down, trying to concentrate on the road while the sky was like a strobe light was interesting to say the least. The next day was our first real glimpse into rural life in Vietnam. While we had seen poverty in hanoi, it was somehow masked by things like everywhere having wifi, people having iphones and wearing designer brands, fake or otherwise. In the Villages around sapa we visited though, The fact that the average yearly wage is around €1600 is clear to see. It makes you feel incredibly privileged, to not only be lucky enough to live very comfortable lives in Ireland, but then have enough money to travel to these parts of the world and see first hand how vastly unequal the world is. There’s an extra strange cocktail of emotions going to these places as a photographer. Of course you want to document what you see, but in a respectful and unintrusive way. It's a fine line between being a privileged white guy going over to a developing country and taking pretty pictures of my holiday of things that are so alien to me like abject poverty on the one hand. And on the other, documenting the poverty you see because it is a worthwhile and interesting picture, and it does make you actually think about how the vast majority of the world population lives. Personally I think people should take photos of everything, I believe that photography can make the world less scary place, we should all take photos of everything, it brings us together when we realise how differently people across the world live while still being all so inherently the same on a human level. I think these conflicting emotions are strongest when it comes to kids, especially for me, the kids in the cat cat village. Some of the kids in the cat cat village certainly seemed a bit fed up of westerners walking around their village taking photos of how they live, for which i was sorry, while others didn't seem phased, especially when i hopped in their wheelbarrow to try join in their game. Sadly, being three times the size of them, they couldn't lift me, so I got them to hop in and I whizzed them around in it for a minute. As tiny an interaction as this was, I feel I made my peace with the kids, lots of high fiving and smiles all round. This interaction however brought on a whole new set of feels. Seeing the kids having a laugh, literally doing the same thing i did as a kid, wheelbarrowing your mates around, happy as larry, really made me question what we need to be happy, these kids seemed happy, the didn't have xboxes sure, but did that make their life any less happy or fulfilling than a western kids? If anything it was westerners coming over on mass to gawk that seemed like their most apparent annoyance. The assumption that our way of life is somehow better, and that these poor village kids would be better off in a society where having a huge mortgage to pay for a new car and a house that's too big for you is somehow not only the norm but the expectation, is not a healthy one. It's hard not to want to help though, even if these feelings might actually stink of America bringing their own brand of neoliberalism masked as democracy to a country near you sorta vibe. Lots of feels that day, lots of chickens, feels, and really friendly people. The other village we visited was Ta Phin, which was as far as we could tell, a mixture of the two main ethnic communities in the area, the Dao people and the hmong people. We were showed around a cave by a nice hmong girl for a few quid, except we all got a bit claustrophobic after a few minutes of squeezing through tiny gaps with only a small torch. It was a far cry from a developed cave like some of the ones we visited later on in the trip, it actually felt like caving or what i imagine it would feel like perhaps a watered down version. I’m glad however we didn’t go into the cave without a guide as we were going to at one stage, that really wouldn't have ended well, especially since our guide told us you could walk for three days and nights in this cave. Ideal for novice cavers like ourselves, just fucking ideal. After the cave we met a super nice girl who brought us to her aunt’s house for local herbal baths, which are basically baths in a sort of tea that they make in huge vats boiled over a fire. The local women collect the various leaves from around the area, each which are good for different parts of the body. Now, while none of us had anything that needed fixing, bar a few upset tummies, our skin did feel pretty good afterward. Donal also peed in his one, i thought you should know. Afterwards when we were talking with our friend who we can't remember the name of, she told us that the women around sapa would often come to the baths to give birth, which is isn't all that unusual, however she also told us that they’d be back out working in the fields after five to ten days, which is pretty amazing. While Sapa town was admittedly a bit shite, once out of the town, the villages are beautiful, engaging on many levels and the people are lovely. Although the mountains and the postcard rice paddies are amazing, and certainly worth seeing, for me it was seeing a way of life so far removed from what i’m used to that was special, and will stay with me.
After sapa, we got our first sleeper bus to Hai Phong, were we’d get a ferry to our favorite place so far, not really. Fucking cat ba. The sleeper bus was fine for the actual journey, but when we arrived in Hai Phong, the driver just turned off the lights, and everyone just went back to sleep for two hours. The only way we knew we were in the right place was maps.me, an offline maps app which is great by the way. After a few hours of sleeping and waking in hope the bus wasn't gonna just turn around and head back to sapa while we were asleep, we decided to let ourselves off the bus since it was getting bright. Apparently this is a thing, we had no idea, and it was very strange not knowing. It makes sense once you know what's going on, nothing is open at 5am, so everyone has a kip and then gets off the bus at a more reasonable hour, now we know, now you know, spread the word. After faffin around trying to find the cheapest ferry to Cat Ba, we eventually made it to Cat Ba. We found the cheapest, but it took forever since we had to get two buses to and from weird ferry ports, just spend the extra few quid. Cat ba was a bit shit, I’d love to leave it at that, but I feel I should elaborate. Firstly it smelt like shit, like really bad. Anyone who has ever cooked asian food will probably be familiar with the madness that is fish sauce, smells really bad, but makes things taste really good, well Cat Ba is famous for its fish sauce, which means lots of the shops sell it from gigantic barrels, meaning Cat Ba town smells awful. Now when you think island, you think clear blue water and pretty beaches, well that's what we expected, and the pictures online made it out to be. The water was full of rubbish and most of the beaches were super crowded.I don't want to dwell on the shit things about cat ba because I don't enjoy writing negative things, but let's just say, maybe spend one or two nights there's, not 6 like we did, which was stupid but hey. On the plus side, I went deep water soloing while there, which was one of my favorite things yet. Basically deep water soloing is when you climb from a boat up sea cliffs above deep water without a rope, and when you either can't climb anymore, or get too high, you jump or fall in. For anyone who climbs, I can't recommend it enough, it's like bouldering and cliff diving had a sexy baby in Lan Ha bay, which is just as pretty as Halong bay but way less touristy. I did it with Asia outdoors, and it was 28 euro for the afternoon, which is a bit pricy but well worth it. If you do go to Cat Ba, definitely get scooters for like 2.50 for the day and scoot around the island, that was fun, i can't knock Cat Ba on the scooting. The scooting doesn't smell like shit, and you get to realise the term, drive it like a rental, since half the island is only accessible by a road that's still under construction, and is just stones and dirt, which is pretty fun. Also, there's so many frogs, bats, and giant snails if you go along the bog road (defo not called that) at dusk, like you literally have to dodge the frogs crossing the road, its gas.
I should point out that for all our giving out about Cat Ba, it really wasn't all that bad, it wasn't the best, but we did have a laugh there, even if half of it revolved around giving out about the garbage water and bad smell. One funny incident came when me and Donal were walking home after a few drinks, being the night before Donals birthday, we decided to enquire about getting massages. The first place we went to was pretty expensive, so we kept looking, and as donal sometimes does when he’s drunk, he shouted massage at a random guy driving past on a scooter. The guy immediately slowed down and kept saying ‘massage boom boom?’ Boom boom sounds suspect yes, and yes we really should have copped it then, but being the naive little gays we are, we persisted in asking him, whats boom boom? Within 30 seconds, he was on the phone and two more guys had pulled up, shadily muttering ‘massage boom boom?’ And shaking wads of cash. At this stage, we had a fairly good idea of what boom boom meant, and quickly walked up to our hostel, the problem was that the massage boom boom place was on the way to our hostel, and when we walked past it, the guys were outside. In fairness, the place looked pretty legit, and we thought maybe we were jumping the gun and it was all a miscommunication. We went in to enquire about prices, it was only a tenner for an hour, still unsure, we said we’d have a think about it since they were open till 2, which probably should have given it away but sure look. When we went outside, our new friends were there, and one of them, in a really creepy and slowed down voice said ‘massage boom booooom!’ giving an accompanying hand gesture that left no doubt in our mind as to what boom boom meant. I guess nobody, not even our friends the Cat Ba pimps, has a gaydar in Vietnam. Our last night in Cat ba was Donals 21st birthday, and we had booked a night in a resort on a tiny island just off Cat ba, which was pretty class.
The resort had kayaks you could take for free, so we went exploring and I climbed another few routes from the kayak, which is much harder, especially with a swell, than from a bigger boat. We also found a tiny secluded beach where a tiny fish bit my nipple. This wasn't our first run in with the local wildlife however, Emilyrose had a fish bite at her bikini strap when swimming off a boat in the bay, which was slightly unnerving. As if this wasn't enough, we later caught a few fish trying to swim up my shorts, while others went straight for the nips as I sat down in shallow water. The only thing we can conclude from our interactions with the sealife in Cat ba was that they’re a bunch of perverts. It would make sense I suppose, send all the fish on the sex offenders list to a smelly island in vietnam, some sort of an international aquatic pervert ghetto I suppose. It might explain why despite most of the restaurants in Cat Ba having an array of fish tanks outside them with all sorts of sea life you could have fresh for dinner, all of the seafood we had was shite, bar one seafood hot pot that was pretty nice. I suppose no matter how fresh the fish is, it's gonna taste like shit if it's a pervert. Makes sense. So after being molested by fish, coping with some extremely underwhelming meals, and enduring some awful aromas for 5 days, we headed back to Hanoi for a few nights so Emilyrose could fly on to the states. Hanoi the second time around was considerably less overwhelming, and smelt amazing after Cat Ba. After Wally flew stateside, we booked an open, hop on hop sorta buzz, bus ticket to Saigon, First port of call, Phong Nha.
